Stage life.

I shouldn't be writing right now.  Forgive me for any errors in grammar, as well as spelling, since I am currently crying my eyes out.

I was told some wonderful news today.  I am choosing not to elaborate here, though it's tearing me apart not to reveal what's truly going on.  While I am so incredibly happy for this person to which the news relates, it's still breaking my heart.  I am shocked by my own depravity and selfishness, sickened by how this has made me feel.

I feel jealous and then guilty because I am jealous.

I don't know how to take any of this.  I mean, I know how I *should* be taking it, but is that even possible?  I'm only human.  I can only deal with so much.  I'm already trying to find a new job, and move into an apartment, and dealing with my parents telling me that I'm going to fail every other second.  I have to trust that I'll be okay.

I'm seeing Dave, Jamie, Ryan, and Blake today.  In fact, I'm supposed to be awake in two hours to get ready and I haven't even gone to sleep yet.  I might "get up" to bake some muffins around 7.  I can't bear to think about the next two hours, let alone the next day.  I have to go to work.  I have to live like nothing is happening, because nothing really is.

Nothing is happening.

Nothing is changing.

Except my head is exploding and I have a fever and I can't breathe and I'm totally losing it.

fdjapoisjefpaoisjefpoiajspefio!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have nothing of value to say anymore.