Temporary study break

Well as I'm waiting for the oven to heat up for my corn muffins, I figured that I would blog quickly about my day.  Basically nothing really interesting happened.  Schooling, storing, choiring, dinnering, swimming, studying, etc.  HOWEVER!  I did decide to go on an adventure with my dear friend Megs this weekend.  I bought my amtrak ticket for the weekend and I'm off to the cities late late LATE Friday night.  It's going to be wonderful.  I think the only thing I will truly miss is the pool, haha.  And maybe my new rearranged room! :)

Anyways, I'm studying super hard core for this music listening quiz I have tomorrow.  It's possible that I may be terrified, haha.  It's at 8:30, so I think the hardest part will be eating something before and actually waking up in time.  Wish me luck!  I will most likely need it.  Any tips on how to remember the overture to "Armide" by Jean-Baptiste Lully?  Or any other such works?  I'm screwed.  I'm planning on cooking my corn muffins, studying for maybe another hour or two and then trying to get a few hours of shut-eye.  Coffee will definitely be my friend tomorrow morning.

Do you have wonder how you became the person you are today?  I think about that sometimes.  Am I really my own being or am I just a mixture of everyone I know and how they've influenced me throughout my life?  I can't help but think it's the latter (second) option, but part of me simply wants to believe it's the former (first).  Life is confusing, but what fun would it be otherwise?  If there was no chaos, life would be boring and most likely pointless.  Trying to figure out chaos brings well-managed order, which is what I think I need in my life right now.  Well-managed order.  I've just gotta discover what everything's about and then I'll have it down... right?  Hahah, actually probably not, since life and the circumstances that are enveloped within it are constantly changing as well.  One of my friends who, interestingly enough, absolutely abhors math sometimes tells me that things regarding my life have changed to a positive 2nd derivative.  I love that kid, even though I make fun of him all the time for puking at the Dive.  That may or may not have been one of my favorite stories from Gustavus all year.  What a quality place.  :)

And now everyone knows how my thoughts move so quickly from one subject to another when I'm exhausted.

Corn muffins are done and they smell divine!  Men love my domestic abilities.  I'm off to eat and study.  You know it's tough when I pull out the glasses.

P.S. It's my LOVELY FRIEND ANNA'S 20th birthday today!!!!!!!  We go back about 10 years now :)

Anna and I at the annual Christmas party this year.  Recreating the picture from 6th grade.  LOVE LOVE LOVE this girl.

At work and fing bored

So work is boring like most days without my love Megan.  I brought my math homework thinking that it would last me until at least 8 o'clock, but it's just past seven and I've finished!  Now I have nothing to do until someone picks up their phone.  I secretly wonder if some of the older graduates (like those who graduated around 1950 or earlier) who never answer their phones are lying in their homes just dead.  How sad would that be!  I think of the weirdest "what if's" sometimes, haha.

Anyways, today is shaping up to be a good day, despite how tired I was this morning.  Religion class basically ended up as me paying extremely close attention while managing to make ridiculous drawings relating to whatever Lelwica (the prof) was saying.  That's actually what usually happens, since I find that class to be boring as hell (haha, pun?).  After that, I went to lunch and then took a very short accidental nap.  I was so refreshed that I decided to clean and rearrange my room and do some laundry!  I am SO happy that I moved everything around.  Because I moved my fridge out from under my bed, I got to lower it down so I don't have to jump or stand on something to get on it.  I feel quite accomplished.  :)

Now I'm at work, which is fairly boring, but I'm chatting with Brittany and blogging, so it's all good.  I'm looking forward to going back to my room and finishing up the clean spree.  It feels awesome to have such a spotless space!!  I've gotta pick up my sheets and blankets from the laundry room, make my bed, wash my dishes, and then finish picking up in general.  Then I'm off to swim at ten with Caitlin and Megan!!  Third day in a row.  I'm a little bit sore, but I'm feeling a lot better now that I'm getting active again.  All in all, I'm hoping this day ends well.

Did anyone know that Friday is National Lady Gaga Day?!?  Search for the event on facebook.  ALL DAY GAGA.  Could there be anything better?  er...  Maybe National Cloud Cult/Bright Eyes Day, but we all know that's like every other day for me, haha.  I'm looking forward to going GA GA over the event. :)

Brittany and I are having an awesome conversation right now.  It mostly revolves around how much I love a certain man's smell.  It's so divine.  I want to faint when I smell him.  It's ridiculous.  And do I know him?  Hahah, no.  But he smells wonderful.  And a smell can tell you a lot about a man...  ;)

P.S. FUNNY!!!!!

Scarves and soccer socks

"How can there be so much that you don't know?"  [Pocahontas]

Sometimes I wonder how it's possible to think that I know so much, yet so little.  When people say I'm smart, a lot of times I reply with some variation of "no."  I might be a quick learner when it comes to some things, but what do I really know about the world or about society or about people?  All I can truly know and try to figure out is who I am and what I stand for.  I know I'm on that path.  It's not like I'm saying that I'm going to stop learning about other things and just focus on myself...  That's not it at all.  Today, I just feel overwhelmed about the vastness of the world and how small I am in comparison.  However, that doesn't mean that I can't make a difference.  In fact, I think a person can make a giant difference through something that might even seem mundane or insignificant.  I just want to encourage everyone to remember that throughout the day today.  Let's pay it forward, guys.

My current favorite website is www.failbooking.com.  Here's some of my fav posts of late.  You can click on them to make them bigger. :)

Weird cravings

So today was interesting, to say the least.  I feel like a complete asshole, basically, but I'm trying not to dwell on that fact.  My day began with basically no sleep and then being woken up by one of my friends who I needed to talk to.  Unfortunately, I don't think the conversation went very well and I feel incredibly haunted by the whole thing.  I won't go into any of it in detail, obviously.  I'm just trying to figure everything out, I guess.

Karin, Caitlin, and I went swimming for awhile tonight and that was wonderful.  I absolutely loved it.  I feel so much better when I'm just swimming around and not thinking about anything.  Then we went to the Maize and studied for a bit.  After that, Megan and I hung out and watched Pocahontas and this weird-ass show called Solitary.  It's about these people who are locked in these little pods and have to complete challenges.  Everyone knows I love crappy reality tv, though, so it's all good.  We also ordered Chinese food!  YUM!

Anyways, I only have religion, choir, and work tomorrow, which is going to be fabulous.  I have a lot of homework to complete tomorrow, though.  I'm hoping to fit swimming in, too.

Some fortunes to think about:
"There are no riches above a sound body."
and...
"The reward of a thing well done is to have done it."

I'm all for peace.  Let's get some.

Slamming the door.

Naivety (sp?) is the strangest thing.  Everytime this happens, I wonder why.  Why I let myself get into the same situation as always, to some extent.  Why I didn't see it coming.  Why I didn't prevent it.  Why I still don't know what to do.


I just want to go swimming and forget about all of this.  Somehow it seems like when I'm in the water, everything disappears.  When I'm by myself, it all comes flooding back, all my failures and shortcomings.  That's really why I hate being by myself.  I can't help thinking about everything that I've ever done wrong.


And this is a really depressing blog.  *stating the obvious.


I just want to get out of here.  Go running, go swimming, do SOME FUCKING THING to forget about everything.  Sometimes I think I'd rather be numb than feel anything.  Other times, I think I'd rather feel everything fully.  I can't even decide that anymore.  This weekend confused the hell out of me.  I'm hoping this week puts me back in my place.


I've got a speech tomorrow.  I'm not excited.

In other news, isn't Jason from True Blood smokin'?!

Megan lost herself on the internet

So basically last night was pretty boring.  Went to the dance, which was freaking SWEET, surprisingly.  Also, I found out today that I am incredibly witty when it comes to things called words.  Who knew?!

Megan and I really enjoy swimming.  We're off to swim our asses off.  And then say: where'd they go!?

Black with little silver hearts

Sometimes life is confusing.  Just throwing that one out there.

Well, last night was so much fun.  Mr. Concordia (not that much fun until I started screaming at the top of my lungs, hah), Disney Trivia, randomly meeting up with friends at Taco Bell, walking through the ice storm, and then watching The Producers.  YESSS.  Tonight I'm most likely skyping with my lovely friend Anna and then going to Club Kord, the techno dance thing here.  I'm super excited, even though I can't dance for shit.

I don't really have my mind wrapped around what I want to say today.  I'm trying to go with the flow of things and just let it be, but it's really hard.  What do you do when you're not sure if everything was a lie in the first place?  Or that it became one over time?  Super vague like super fly, yo.

Gonna cut my hair tonight as well!  FINALLY!

This cracker matches my face and is also delicious.  Coincidence?  I think not.

I'm an impatient mo fo

So basically I haven't gone to sleep yet and it's about to be five in the morning. I need to find SOME way to get my ass to bed earlier. This natural sleep schedule is not working out for me. I'm beginning to think I may legit be a nocturnal animal, or that I least I aspire to be one someday. I'm sure it will work out.

Anyways, I think I've realized the reason that I have hundreds of pages of my writing in my closet at home. I write incessantly when I get bored and when I have lots of things on my mind and when I'm stressed. So three for three right now. Woot. I'm trying to get used to the fact that I can't blab my mouth off to everyone anymore. I did it to Andrew at good old GAC, but I'm trying to be able to be a little bit more secretive and a little less impatient. So far all that's gotten me is a few long blog posts and much less sleep. I think it will work out, though. I just have to get used to it. However, I'm quite dreading the getting used to being patient thing. I'm such a stubborn person... Sometimes that's a good thing and other times it gets me into a lot of trouble. I need to learn when to be stubborn and when to let go. It's hard work, all this learning, on top of all the things I absolutely have to learn in order to keep my life the way it is, meaning, staying at Concordia.

All in all, I feel like today may be a semi-successful day. Calc will be fine, speech will be fine. I emailed my music professor earlier tonight, since I'm really concerned about how well I'm going to do on this music quiz. I was sick last week, so I wasn't able to go to class and then I missed the first two days of class because I couldn't get a spot until that Friday. I'm hoping she'll give me the weekend for an extension. Otherwise, I'm basically screwed, since I have to be able to name the title, the composer, the genre, and a billion other tiny facts about these compositions through simply hearing it. I know I am nowhere near ready for that, even though I've been studying really hard. So psh. That's all I'm going to say about that.

Back to what I said about letting go. How do you know when it's time to let go? Or to move on? With some of my friendships from high school, I thought they were definitely over after huge fights and whatnot. There is one friend in particular that I didn't speak to for almost a year. I went to college and I missed having her as a friend. I finally gave in and texted her one day, blah blah blah, and now we're really good friends again. So how do you know when it's okay to let go? Because if you let someone go, how do you know that if they decide to give you another chance, you're going to let yourself have another one with them?

My mind is flooded with philosophical thoughts right now. I need to sleep so badly. Why can I never seem to get to sleep!? So frustrating.

In other news, the anniversary of Roe v. Wade is today. I am all for women's rights, but I'm also a supporter the children. I believe that abortion should be illegal. I'm not saying that I believe this to be a black and white issue - I know it's not. But I believe that in most cases, it was the choice of the mother to participate and that both parties were aware that pregnancy could occur without proper protection. Please be an advocate for all the babies (and future toddlers, children, teenagers, adults, and old farts) who could be lost today and every other day that abortion remains legal.

I love my godsons. :)

I play favorites with coffee

Fortune cookie: Ask advice from everyone, but act with your own mind.

So there's not much to say about today. I finally went to sleep at about four in the morning, and I meant to get up at 7:30, but once I was asleep, I was dead to the world. Once I did get up, I realized how much freaking homework I have to do. Yet here I sit, blogging away. I've got a music listening quiz tomorrow that I am extremely concerned about, but I'm working on it. I'm about done with Calc. Finally, I've got a speech to write about a social issue of personal importance to me. I've decided to do it on celiac disease, and how it has affected me since my dad was diagnosed. I don't think it will be too hard to do, since I already know quite a bit about it and it's pretty easy for me to give speeches.

It's funny how people come into your life when you least expect it. Sometimes it's a good thing, other times, you really want them to get back out. I think with the two people I'm talking about specifically, it's best not to name names. But for both of them, I think it was good to just say what I had to and finally move on.

I've also decided to just post on here and then put up the link on facebook. Should be much easier than just copying and pasting and shite.

FINALLY, I am so pumped for the weekend. Club Kord is happening. Should be bomb. I'm off to study for a few hours. Then sleep and then some more quick studying before my long day tomorrow. I'm anticipating a nap after classes. Hurrah!

This coffee drank is mo fo delicious. And guess who's cutting her hair this weekend as well.

Sleep? Nah.

Today I was shocked by how easy it was to get through the day. I feel as if a weight as been lifted. I haven't slept in two days and I have a million things to do and maybe I should be worried about everything, but I'm completely at ease. It's weird. I don't know why, but I just have this feeling that everything is going to work out. I don't think this is me being naive. Rather, maybe it's me simply learning how to really trust myself. For so long, I've relied on others to get me through the day. They were strong for me. Today I was strong for myself. It feels good. It feels really good.

So yeah, I haven't slept yet. I don't really even feel that tired. I feel so alive.

On other notes, today was wonderful. I had coffee this morning (MUCH needed) and I trekked through all my back-to-back classes. My music quiz was postponed, thank goodness, as I am not ready for that at all. In fact, I plan on going to sleep after finishing this note and my calc homework for Friday and then waking up at 7:30 to start studying some more for that. Speech is going to be about the easiest class of my life. It's a birdie, definitely. We're doing about 1/3 of the speeches that we had to do in the college speech class I took in high school. I've got this one in the bag. Choir was awesome, as I will always expect it to be.

I also FINALLY had time to stop by the post office and not only did I get Disney Trivia in the mail (which I prompted played with Caitlin and won... twice. Yes, I *am* proud of this!!), but my momma also sent me some milk tea! What a wonderful mother I have. I also got to say hey to my little bro, who showed me all his yo-yo tricks. They was riveting (not). And I talked to Anna who is now safely back in warm, yet apparently flooding, California. I miss that girl :)

Anyways, I should really get back to homework... Blah. Sorry if this writing was horrible, haha. It's what can happen when a person gets no sleep. :)

A Second Chance

It has been ages since I've written. I have now come to believe that a great mistake. I can't say writing is going to alleviate my issues, but it may help. College has taught me more than I can bear to put down in words, but many of these lessons have not been academic. While I thought college might simply be an extension of high school minus parental control, I was wrong. It seems as if they have control now more than ever before. I have lost sight of what really counts in life. I have drowned myself in alcohol simply to avoid an ugly truth. For years, I've tried to find my self-worth through the eyes of others. Forgotten friendships tore me apart. Break-ups from years ago still stung when they came to mind. Sarcastic comments, even when obviously a joke, haunted me. As I look back, my view of others holding the only important opinions of my own life was incredibly skewed. I can't believe it took me this long to see it. Now that I've realized this, I need to pull myself out of this grave of self-pity I so often crawl into.

My time here at Concordia and with college in general is in jeopardy. My parents have decided to take me out of school if my grades don't improve drastically over the next semester. Before anyone thinks I could do it on my own, I'd like to say there's no way I could afford college by myself. If my parents decide not to help me financially, that would ultimately mean finding my own apartment and at least one full-time job. There would be no time, nor would there be any money for school. I must admit I'm smarter than I let on, though. It's easier to have someone expect much less of you, at a level where you are absolutely sure you can deliver. In college, however, slacking off is not acceptable. I am aware of this fact, but I didn't really care until now. I think I had to learn my lesson about who I was and what I stood for before I could even concentrate on learning or even caring about something else.

Searching for myself has not been easy and my life will not suddenly become simple now that I have a better grip on things. But I do have a choice. I am not going to care about what people think of me any longer. I am going to let everyone see who I am truly am. People here might say I'm shy. They have no idea what they're in for now, which is an exciting thought for me. I am going to study fucking hard to stay here at Concordia. Even though it may be the bane of my existence, that does not mean that I can't conquer it and make it my bitch. I am going to sing at the top of my lungs, especially in choir. I am going to dance, no matter how funny I look. Most of all, I am going to love, as I have always tried my best to do. I will love those who need me and I will love those who don't.

It's funny how I only learned this lesson because of the people who have always believed in me. It's cliche, but they believed in me when I couldn't give a rat's ass about my own life and that's what really matters. I thank you all for kicking my ass into shape - finally.

I've decided I'm going to try to write each day. For those of you who haven't known me for very long or maybe you don't really know me at all, I used to write in high school. Back then, it was simply a cry for help, a medium to let people know about how much I hated life. Now, I hope I can write just to get everything out. I want to remember everything that happens to me and I want to cherish every experience I have, because I have no idea how many moments I have left. I could live until I'm 100 or I could die today. Either way, I haven't really lived yet. I'm done hiding and I am ready to show the world what I've got to offer.

And to think this all ultimately happened because of one text message from a friend I never thought I would hear from, two of my best friends here at Concordia who have listened to my incessant ramblings, and a loving dad who I've always looked up to. He's changing my life through taking the courage to change his own. What a lovely thing, the circle of life. I don't mean life and death. Death is definitely not lovely. But how thoughts travel, how one person can change another's life through simply noticing that they are worth more than what they ever could have imagined. To me, that is beautiful. And that is life at it's greatest. What more could anyone ever want?