Forgive me-ology

"I will accept the fact that I need to love you in whatever way I can now. And if that means not being together, and loving you as a friend, I will love you as Tails loves Sonic (you know they secretly did it in the bushes once or twice...)."


There are many times in my life when I have felt the need of forgiveness.  Being forgiven rarely means losing a friend.  In fact, if one is forgiven, a friendship can even grow stronger.  But what about when you don't know what you need to be forgiven for?  Or when you apologize, truly mean it, and then are still not forgiven?


It's no secret that my parents don't want me to move out and will do everything in their power to stop that from happening.  However, I do not understand how they fail to see that making me feel like a piece of shit is not going to help them achieve that goal.  Ever since I even mentioned getting an apartment, things have taken a turn for the worse in my home.  My parents are on edge - and not even just with me, but with my brother as well.  They will start yelling at me or Andrew for the silliest things.  Tonight, I was asked to finish my laundry so my dad could use the washer.  After leaving my room about a minute later to put the rest of my laundry in, I was told that I was not being respectful of my family because I had another load to do and I should have done it earlier.  This ended up turning into another "lecture" by my father, saying that I am not going to be able to make it in the real world and that I'm a failure.  You can all see why this would make me want to continue living here...  I don't know how to ask for forgiveness for something that I don't believe is wrong.  My choice to move should be my own.  I shouldn't be attacked because of this.  It's so very silly of them.  I respect their opinion, but how they are choosing to deal with it is negatively affecting everyone in the house right now.  I feel especially bad for my brother.  While he's not perfect, he doesn't deserve the brunt of my parents' anger.  It's not fair to him at all.


In other words, I am at a complete loss of what to do at this point.  It's incredibly difficult, not to mention tiring, to keep my head up in this environment.  I don't know how I'm supposed to be able to thrive, as my parents wish of me, if they just keep yelling and screaming at me all the time.  I think part of it may be that they don't really know what I went through at Concordia and how much I have changed since then.  I honestly believe that I need to prove that I've changed to myself, as well.  If I can make it and be okay out on my own, I'll be fine.  I have to be able to have that chance, though.  My parents' constant assurance of my shortcomings will simply entice me to succeed in my own life even further than I already have.  Yes, I am working in retail, and, no, I don't know what I'm going to do in the future, but I'm okay with that right now.  I have to be.  Otherwise, what else do I have?  I can't start believing that I am a failure, or I'll just go back to drinking myself to sleep at night.


It will be hard, but I am ready.


In other news:
A boy kissed me today.
I heard from someone whom I thought was long gone.  I love them dearly and I hope I get to see them in the coming months.  I will never lose hope.  I hope they read this and know I'm talking about them.  :)
I saw someone puke in a swimming pool.  It was weirdly graceful.
I want to get married and have a family of my own with all of my heart.