So I am currently PISSED and I have a very good reason to be.
I was invited somewhere by someone I quite enjoy. I texted them this morning, asking if we were going. They said they were feeling sick. I hung out with Liz, which was quite fun, anyhow, and I was not at all bothered by it. THEN, while looking through my news feed on facebook, there are pictures of them with a caption saying specifically stating they were taken today at the park. So they lied and went without me. Don't invite me somewhere and then lie to me and say you're not going.
I REALLY DO NOT LIKE LIARS.
And this after me saying yesterday that I didn't want to get screwed over. Alright, sure, I'll trust you with coming over to my house and kissing me and then lying to me the next day. I don't think so!
Sorry for this really annoying rant. I am just really f-ing tired of people lying to me. I think I deserve better than that.
I cooked food for you. I don't just do that for everyone.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
It doesn't seem so long ago that I looked at you from here.
I've found myself being incredibly nostalgic these last few days. It was over a year ago that we met and I still think about him every day. I don't know why and I can't help it. I have this crazy idea that I know will never work, but that doesn't mean I'll ever stop wishing for it.
Anyways, I'm being really freaking annoying. I'm even annoying myself, haha. I applied for a job last night at Cub. While it is definitely not the ideal situation, it would be super convenient to work literally right across the street from my job. Today I got a call! I had a phone interview and I have a face-to-face interview on Thursday. It sounds like I'm pretty much hired. It'll be overnight stocking in the dairy and frozen section. I refuse to be embarrassed that I'm about to be working at a grocery store, since right now I have to do what I have to do in order to get out of this house. During my interview, they said they wanted me to be able to start right away, so even if I start next week, I'll have double income for the month (and, surprisingly, they are offering me almost the same as Herberger's, plus they said the salary was negotiable, and, believe me, I will negotiate so I'm not making any less!), plus I'll be working at the State Fair at the end of August. The job is apparently 15 to 30 hours per week and at the end of the year, I'll be eligible for benefits, which I will need once I move out! Finally, since I could walk to work, I would be cutting out any daily transportation costs. And I could get another job during the day around Silver Lake Village and work both, since Cub would be strictly overnight.
Alright, I'm done rambling about that. I'm watching High Fidelity and I've never seen it before. It is definitely not what I thought it was going to be! I thought I was going to hate it, haha. Although, it did end with a "too-good-to-be-true" happy ending, just like Garden State. GS is a GREAT movie until the end, because in real life HE WOULD LEAVE HER AT THE AIRPORT.
I took a nap today until 9 at night. I am doomed to no sleep until really late at night now. Balls. I should really begin hardcore going through my stuff and deciding what I'm going to take with me and start packing, since now if I really do get this other job, I'll be quite busy and I'm sure more tired than I usually am. I might start that tonight. I should really throw away the oatmeal that's been in my food bin since GAC, haha. It might still be good!! :D
I'm currently wishing somebody else was over here, just to help me pass the time. Maybe my bee row will come down and chill with me. It's hard convincing him to get out of bed sometimes, though. Killzone marathon, anyone?? Because I don't have COD and that is SAD.
Forgive me-ology
"I will accept the fact that I need to love you in whatever way I can now. And if that means not being together, and loving you as a friend, I will love you as Tails loves Sonic (you know they secretly did it in the bushes once or twice...)."
There are many times in my life when I have felt the need of forgiveness. Being forgiven rarely means losing a friend. In fact, if one is forgiven, a friendship can even grow stronger. But what about when you don't know what you need to be forgiven for? Or when you apologize, truly mean it, and then are still not forgiven?
It's no secret that my parents don't want me to move out and will do everything in their power to stop that from happening. However, I do not understand how they fail to see that making me feel like a piece of shit is not going to help them achieve that goal. Ever since I even mentioned getting an apartment, things have taken a turn for the worse in my home. My parents are on edge - and not even just with me, but with my brother as well. They will start yelling at me or Andrew for the silliest things. Tonight, I was asked to finish my laundry so my dad could use the washer. After leaving my room about a minute later to put the rest of my laundry in, I was told that I was not being respectful of my family because I had another load to do and I should have done it earlier. This ended up turning into another "lecture" by my father, saying that I am not going to be able to make it in the real world and that I'm a failure. You can all see why this would make me want to continue living here... I don't know how to ask for forgiveness for something that I don't believe is wrong. My choice to move should be my own. I shouldn't be attacked because of this. It's so very silly of them. I respect their opinion, but how they are choosing to deal with it is negatively affecting everyone in the house right now. I feel especially bad for my brother. While he's not perfect, he doesn't deserve the brunt of my parents' anger. It's not fair to him at all.
In other words, I am at a complete loss of what to do at this point. It's incredibly difficult, not to mention tiring, to keep my head up in this environment. I don't know how I'm supposed to be able to thrive, as my parents wish of me, if they just keep yelling and screaming at me all the time. I think part of it may be that they don't really know what I went through at Concordia and how much I have changed since then. I honestly believe that I need to prove that I've changed to myself, as well. If I can make it and be okay out on my own, I'll be fine. I have to be able to have that chance, though. My parents' constant assurance of my shortcomings will simply entice me to succeed in my own life even further than I already have. Yes, I am working in retail, and, no, I don't know what I'm going to do in the future, but I'm okay with that right now. I have to be. Otherwise, what else do I have? I can't start believing that I am a failure, or I'll just go back to drinking myself to sleep at night.
It will be hard, but I am ready.
In other news:
A boy kissed me today.
I heard from someone whom I thought was long gone. I love them dearly and I hope I get to see them in the coming months. I will never lose hope. I hope they read this and know I'm talking about them. :)
I saw someone puke in a swimming pool. It was weirdly graceful.
I want to get married and have a family of my own with all of my heart.
There are many times in my life when I have felt the need of forgiveness. Being forgiven rarely means losing a friend. In fact, if one is forgiven, a friendship can even grow stronger. But what about when you don't know what you need to be forgiven for? Or when you apologize, truly mean it, and then are still not forgiven?
It's no secret that my parents don't want me to move out and will do everything in their power to stop that from happening. However, I do not understand how they fail to see that making me feel like a piece of shit is not going to help them achieve that goal. Ever since I even mentioned getting an apartment, things have taken a turn for the worse in my home. My parents are on edge - and not even just with me, but with my brother as well. They will start yelling at me or Andrew for the silliest things. Tonight, I was asked to finish my laundry so my dad could use the washer. After leaving my room about a minute later to put the rest of my laundry in, I was told that I was not being respectful of my family because I had another load to do and I should have done it earlier. This ended up turning into another "lecture" by my father, saying that I am not going to be able to make it in the real world and that I'm a failure. You can all see why this would make me want to continue living here... I don't know how to ask for forgiveness for something that I don't believe is wrong. My choice to move should be my own. I shouldn't be attacked because of this. It's so very silly of them. I respect their opinion, but how they are choosing to deal with it is negatively affecting everyone in the house right now. I feel especially bad for my brother. While he's not perfect, he doesn't deserve the brunt of my parents' anger. It's not fair to him at all.
In other words, I am at a complete loss of what to do at this point. It's incredibly difficult, not to mention tiring, to keep my head up in this environment. I don't know how I'm supposed to be able to thrive, as my parents wish of me, if they just keep yelling and screaming at me all the time. I think part of it may be that they don't really know what I went through at Concordia and how much I have changed since then. I honestly believe that I need to prove that I've changed to myself, as well. If I can make it and be okay out on my own, I'll be fine. I have to be able to have that chance, though. My parents' constant assurance of my shortcomings will simply entice me to succeed in my own life even further than I already have. Yes, I am working in retail, and, no, I don't know what I'm going to do in the future, but I'm okay with that right now. I have to be. Otherwise, what else do I have? I can't start believing that I am a failure, or I'll just go back to drinking myself to sleep at night.
It will be hard, but I am ready.
In other news:
A boy kissed me today.
I heard from someone whom I thought was long gone. I love them dearly and I hope I get to see them in the coming months. I will never lose hope. I hope they read this and know I'm talking about them. :)
I saw someone puke in a swimming pool. It was weirdly graceful.
I want to get married and have a family of my own with all of my heart.
Friday, June 25, 2010
There's a Possibility
I'm LOVING the song "Possibility" by Lykke Li right now. It's so outrageously chill.
Alright, update on the last few days. I got the job officially at the State Fair this year! I'll be working with Derrick in the Robin parking lot, haha. What can I say? I need the money!! I'm still waiting to hear back about my interview from last week. I was going to call yesterday, but I was being ridiculous and I forgot. Therefore, I'm calling them up today at 2:30 if they haven't called by then. I hope I get a second interview!!
Michelle and I (and a few others) went frisbee golfing the other day. It was... interesting, haha. Even though M and I were absolutely horrible at it, we still had a great time making fun of ourselves! I laughed basically the whole day! I also came out of the experience with several new injuries and about a billion new mosquito bites, but it was totally worth it!
Megan came over yesterday and I hadn't seen in her awhile! It was sweet! We went to Rosedale (on my day off... I knew that would happen) and just shopped around. I was proud that my only purchase amounted to $3.99: legwarmers! I am so retro. They are pretty freaking awesome. Then we came back to my house and watched this movie called The Good Son. It stars Elijah Wood and Maculay Culkin and it was so stupid. After that, we played Super Mario 3 for a good 2 hours and headed to Perkins. While there, we played 2 games of Life and 3 games of Careers and had SO MUCH COFFEE. We actually stayed there until 2:30 in the morning, haha. Upon arriving at home, we chilled for a bit and then watched The Perfect Stranger. We finally went to bed around 6 in the morning. Surprisingly, I am quite awake today!
Anyways, I have no plans for today. Who knows what adventures I will go on today. I'm up for whatever goes down (hahah). :D
36 days till I move!!
Alright, update on the last few days. I got the job officially at the State Fair this year! I'll be working with Derrick in the Robin parking lot, haha. What can I say? I need the money!! I'm still waiting to hear back about my interview from last week. I was going to call yesterday, but I was being ridiculous and I forgot. Therefore, I'm calling them up today at 2:30 if they haven't called by then. I hope I get a second interview!!
Michelle and I (and a few others) went frisbee golfing the other day. It was... interesting, haha. Even though M and I were absolutely horrible at it, we still had a great time making fun of ourselves! I laughed basically the whole day! I also came out of the experience with several new injuries and about a billion new mosquito bites, but it was totally worth it!
Megan came over yesterday and I hadn't seen in her awhile! It was sweet! We went to Rosedale (on my day off... I knew that would happen) and just shopped around. I was proud that my only purchase amounted to $3.99: legwarmers! I am so retro. They are pretty freaking awesome. Then we came back to my house and watched this movie called The Good Son. It stars Elijah Wood and Maculay Culkin and it was so stupid. After that, we played Super Mario 3 for a good 2 hours and headed to Perkins. While there, we played 2 games of Life and 3 games of Careers and had SO MUCH COFFEE. We actually stayed there until 2:30 in the morning, haha. Upon arriving at home, we chilled for a bit and then watched The Perfect Stranger. We finally went to bed around 6 in the morning. Surprisingly, I am quite awake today!
Anyways, I have no plans for today. Who knows what adventures I will go on today. I'm up for whatever goes down (hahah). :D
36 days till I move!!
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Second time I start out talking about LIONS.
"Take all the courage you have left, wasted on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head." [Little Lion Man, Mumford & Sons]
I really enjoy this song. As Liz and I were driving back to my house this morning, it came on one of her mix CDs. Fabulous.
Yesterday, I needed a girls night (and Megan, before you read this, I couldn't go anywhere without a car/someone picking me up, which is why I couldn't hang with you!), so Liz came and picked me up. We just hung out and talked and ate some pizza. We were asleep a little after one, hah!
I worked today as well. It was pretty boring.
Basically nothing too interesting has occurred. I just felt like writing everything down.
I'm waiting to hear back from the interview I had the other day. I am excited! The person on the phone who I interviewed with said she had no doubt that I would be called in for a second interview. I am really praying that this job works out. But we'll see, I guess.
I can't decide if a bath is going to kill my sunburn or not... :/
That's all the information I have for tonight.
I really enjoy this song. As Liz and I were driving back to my house this morning, it came on one of her mix CDs. Fabulous.
Yesterday, I needed a girls night (and Megan, before you read this, I couldn't go anywhere without a car/someone picking me up, which is why I couldn't hang with you!), so Liz came and picked me up. We just hung out and talked and ate some pizza. We were asleep a little after one, hah!
I worked today as well. It was pretty boring.
Basically nothing too interesting has occurred. I just felt like writing everything down.
I'm waiting to hear back from the interview I had the other day. I am excited! The person on the phone who I interviewed with said she had no doubt that I would be called in for a second interview. I am really praying that this job works out. But we'll see, I guess.
I can't decide if a bath is going to kill my sunburn or not... :/
That's all the information I have for tonight.
Be excellent to each other. Party on, dudes.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Keep Yourself Warm
I am currently loving the song "Keep Yourself Warm" by Frightened Rabbit. It's sad, but honest.
Anyways, yesterday's posts were extremely confusing and angry-sounding. I had a really tough day today just processing everything, especially since I literally have only slept 20 minutes in the last two days. I am so appreciative of my friends and their love. And I couldn't have made it through today without some hardcore prayer.
I also found out that Suzanne (the person in HR at Herberger's) will not approve my availability change for when I move into Equinox. I would have to change it because of the bus system. Therefore, I will either have to take a not-so-ideal bus route late at night on my own or find another job. I am very grateful that I started filling out applications a week ago and I have already had one interview for a position as a dispensary secretary! It sounds like it would be a great job: stable and providing a foot in the door to the medical field. I'm praying that everything works out.
Most of all, I am trying my absolute hardest to give everything to God. I have to stop stressing so much about things that I can't control.
One of those things is my parents. Since I've been home, things have actually been going pretty well. That is, until I mentioned moving out. Now that I am preparing to do so, both of them have been extremely crabby and hard to deal with. One moment they will be joking and the next, yelling at me for being stupid and thinking that I can support myself. It's become very hard to live here. I am definitely ready to move out and to do whatever it takes to stay out.
Well, that's about it for my life right now. Stress galore. Trying to give it away. I'll be okay, though. I always have been and I always will be.
A funny photo I found the other day:
Anyways, yesterday's posts were extremely confusing and angry-sounding. I had a really tough day today just processing everything, especially since I literally have only slept 20 minutes in the last two days. I am so appreciative of my friends and their love. And I couldn't have made it through today without some hardcore prayer.
I also found out that Suzanne (the person in HR at Herberger's) will not approve my availability change for when I move into Equinox. I would have to change it because of the bus system. Therefore, I will either have to take a not-so-ideal bus route late at night on my own or find another job. I am very grateful that I started filling out applications a week ago and I have already had one interview for a position as a dispensary secretary! It sounds like it would be a great job: stable and providing a foot in the door to the medical field. I'm praying that everything works out.
Most of all, I am trying my absolute hardest to give everything to God. I have to stop stressing so much about things that I can't control.
One of those things is my parents. Since I've been home, things have actually been going pretty well. That is, until I mentioned moving out. Now that I am preparing to do so, both of them have been extremely crabby and hard to deal with. One moment they will be joking and the next, yelling at me for being stupid and thinking that I can support myself. It's become very hard to live here. I am definitely ready to move out and to do whatever it takes to stay out.
Well, that's about it for my life right now. Stress galore. Trying to give it away. I'll be okay, though. I always have been and I always will be.
A funny photo I found the other day:
Steven SEA GULL! :D
Stage life.
I shouldn't be writing right now. Forgive me for any errors in grammar, as well as spelling, since I am currently crying my eyes out.
I was told some wonderful news today. I am choosing not to elaborate here, though it's tearing me apart not to reveal what's truly going on. While I am so incredibly happy for this person to which the news relates, it's still breaking my heart. I am shocked by my own depravity and selfishness, sickened by how this has made me feel.
I feel jealous and then guilty because I am jealous.
I don't know how to take any of this. I mean, I know how I *should* be taking it, but is that even possible? I'm only human. I can only deal with so much. I'm already trying to find a new job, and move into an apartment, and dealing with my parents telling me that I'm going to fail every other second. I have to trust that I'll be okay.
I'm seeing Dave, Jamie, Ryan, and Blake today. In fact, I'm supposed to be awake in two hours to get ready and I haven't even gone to sleep yet. I might "get up" to bake some muffins around 7. I can't bear to think about the next two hours, let alone the next day. I have to go to work. I have to live like nothing is happening, because nothing really is.
Nothing is happening.
Nothing is changing.
Except my head is exploding and I have a fever and I can't breathe and I'm totally losing it.
fdjapoisjefpaoisjefpoiajspefio!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have nothing of value to say anymore.
I was told some wonderful news today. I am choosing not to elaborate here, though it's tearing me apart not to reveal what's truly going on. While I am so incredibly happy for this person to which the news relates, it's still breaking my heart. I am shocked by my own depravity and selfishness, sickened by how this has made me feel.
I feel jealous and then guilty because I am jealous.
I don't know how to take any of this. I mean, I know how I *should* be taking it, but is that even possible? I'm only human. I can only deal with so much. I'm already trying to find a new job, and move into an apartment, and dealing with my parents telling me that I'm going to fail every other second. I have to trust that I'll be okay.
I'm seeing Dave, Jamie, Ryan, and Blake today. In fact, I'm supposed to be awake in two hours to get ready and I haven't even gone to sleep yet. I might "get up" to bake some muffins around 7. I can't bear to think about the next two hours, let alone the next day. I have to go to work. I have to live like nothing is happening, because nothing really is.
Nothing is happening.
Nothing is changing.
Except my head is exploding and I have a fever and I can't breathe and I'm totally losing it.
fdjapoisjefpaoisjefpoiajspefio!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have nothing of value to say anymore.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Well, OOFTA would be a good way to describe this.
Wow, it has been AWHILE! I'm quite tired, so I'm going to make a list tonight. These things are not going to be in any particular order. Here goes.
1) I am moving out of my parent's house on August 1st, if everything goes according to plan. I've figured out my budget, and while it might be slightly terrifying, I believe God will provide. I can't stay here any longer. I'm just waiting to get accepted to live with Michelle by the landlord and everything will be good. Please pray it works out!!
2) I have been applying to new jobs around the apartment area, including nursing positions. While this is also terrifying to me, I have to do it. I have been living way too long in fear of the unknown. I took the class and passed the test for my certification and license and now I need to put that to use.
3) I bought a new duvet cover the other day and it seriously looks like I'm sleeping in Mario world. Photo:
1) I am moving out of my parent's house on August 1st, if everything goes according to plan. I've figured out my budget, and while it might be slightly terrifying, I believe God will provide. I can't stay here any longer. I'm just waiting to get accepted to live with Michelle by the landlord and everything will be good. Please pray it works out!!
2) I have been applying to new jobs around the apartment area, including nursing positions. While this is also terrifying to me, I have to do it. I have been living way too long in fear of the unknown. I took the class and passed the test for my certification and license and now I need to put that to use.
3) I bought a new duvet cover the other day and it seriously looks like I'm sleeping in Mario world. Photo:
Baller.
4) You-Know-Who (not Voldemort) and I are just friends. Andrew came up to visit yesterday. I think he knew I needed some chill time, haha. I love him for that. We went to Ikea to buy stuff for the kitchen in the apartment and then we hung out with Liz and Derrick and then watched Silence of the Lambs, which I have never seen! It was intense!
5) I miss learning, so I'm just going to keep reading and looking for jobs and working to save my monies.
The end.
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