A Second Chance

It has been ages since I've written. I have now come to believe that a great mistake. I can't say writing is going to alleviate my issues, but it may help. College has taught me more than I can bear to put down in words, but many of these lessons have not been academic. While I thought college might simply be an extension of high school minus parental control, I was wrong. It seems as if they have control now more than ever before. I have lost sight of what really counts in life. I have drowned myself in alcohol simply to avoid an ugly truth. For years, I've tried to find my self-worth through the eyes of others. Forgotten friendships tore me apart. Break-ups from years ago still stung when they came to mind. Sarcastic comments, even when obviously a joke, haunted me. As I look back, my view of others holding the only important opinions of my own life was incredibly skewed. I can't believe it took me this long to see it. Now that I've realized this, I need to pull myself out of this grave of self-pity I so often crawl into.

My time here at Concordia and with college in general is in jeopardy. My parents have decided to take me out of school if my grades don't improve drastically over the next semester. Before anyone thinks I could do it on my own, I'd like to say there's no way I could afford college by myself. If my parents decide not to help me financially, that would ultimately mean finding my own apartment and at least one full-time job. There would be no time, nor would there be any money for school. I must admit I'm smarter than I let on, though. It's easier to have someone expect much less of you, at a level where you are absolutely sure you can deliver. In college, however, slacking off is not acceptable. I am aware of this fact, but I didn't really care until now. I think I had to learn my lesson about who I was and what I stood for before I could even concentrate on learning or even caring about something else.

Searching for myself has not been easy and my life will not suddenly become simple now that I have a better grip on things. But I do have a choice. I am not going to care about what people think of me any longer. I am going to let everyone see who I am truly am. People here might say I'm shy. They have no idea what they're in for now, which is an exciting thought for me. I am going to study fucking hard to stay here at Concordia. Even though it may be the bane of my existence, that does not mean that I can't conquer it and make it my bitch. I am going to sing at the top of my lungs, especially in choir. I am going to dance, no matter how funny I look. Most of all, I am going to love, as I have always tried my best to do. I will love those who need me and I will love those who don't.

It's funny how I only learned this lesson because of the people who have always believed in me. It's cliche, but they believed in me when I couldn't give a rat's ass about my own life and that's what really matters. I thank you all for kicking my ass into shape - finally.

I've decided I'm going to try to write each day. For those of you who haven't known me for very long or maybe you don't really know me at all, I used to write in high school. Back then, it was simply a cry for help, a medium to let people know about how much I hated life. Now, I hope I can write just to get everything out. I want to remember everything that happens to me and I want to cherish every experience I have, because I have no idea how many moments I have left. I could live until I'm 100 or I could die today. Either way, I haven't really lived yet. I'm done hiding and I am ready to show the world what I've got to offer.

And to think this all ultimately happened because of one text message from a friend I never thought I would hear from, two of my best friends here at Concordia who have listened to my incessant ramblings, and a loving dad who I've always looked up to. He's changing my life through taking the courage to change his own. What a lovely thing, the circle of life. I don't mean life and death. Death is definitely not lovely. But how thoughts travel, how one person can change another's life through simply noticing that they are worth more than what they ever could have imagined. To me, that is beautiful. And that is life at it's greatest. What more could anyone ever want?