One foot in front of the other

I've never realized what peace and bliss can come from life until I started enjoying being alone. In a world where no one stops moving, when are we supposed to breathe? Were we ever taught to enjoy entertaining ourselves? Encouraged to tolerate, and perhaps even revel in, being alone? I don't mean watching television alone, or even listening to music or reading a delightful novel, which, of course, I am not discrediting (especially the last two). Instead, just being alone with our thoughts, without a computer or a phone. Taking a moment or two or fifteen to think about ourselves and what we're really doing with our lives. During my fifteen minute break at work today, I simply went outside, sat down on the sidewalk outside the building, closed my eyes, and, despite being deeply annoyed by the noise of the cars, I thought. I thought about the world, who I am, who I've been, and who I am becoming. When I was at school, I never gave myself the opportunity to stop and just be. I didn't give my head and my heart time to even get close to catching up to each other. And where did that get me?

Here.

And I'm actually okay with that. Because now that I've discovered that I am okay with being alone, I know that I can be okay with someone else, when I find him. If I know him already, then I'm alright with that and if I don't, here's to the search and the wonderful journey I've begun.

But that's not really what this is about, although that is a huge part of what I want in life (a loving husband and children and a dog or two). It's about who I am on my own. What am I? Throughout high school, I was involved in church and school and I loved it. I miss making a difference. I'm not going to lie to myself and say that working at Herbergers is changing the world. While I acknowledge that I need time to figure out my life and decide my next move, I'm also discovering that I really miss learning and thinking and exploring. I chose to leave school because I was afraid of failing and letting everyone else down. I never thought I woud llet myself down, since the standard I was setting was low. In fact, I think my any goal was to survive. And surviving is not the same as living. I have survived through a lot of stuff, but there have been far fewer times where I have truly lived. All of the moments that come to mind include the people I love the most, those that have been there for me through the thick and the thin. They know who they are and I thank them for being there for me through it all.

But I'm ready to let go of everything. I want a new start. I think I'm finally ready. No longer will I allow fear to run my life.

So push me off a cliff and watch me soar. Because if you believe, you can achieve.

And I believe in me.